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Do You Live A Radioactive Lifestyle?

Whatto! Peeps....

As we all become much more conscious about our environment and also improving the healthiness of our lifestyles I was intersted to see just how much Radiation we are exposed to on a daily basis.......
Now unless you happen to be a Superhero most of us like to keep a healthy distance from anything emitting radiation. It's just good practise.

In fact, things emitting radiation are the source of the phrase "healthy distance." With that in mind, here are some common household items you may not realize are radioactive........ but they actually are:



Bananas

No kidding. Everyone's favorite phallic fruit is radioactive. Not because of scheming agribusiness, but because of the very potassium that makes bananas so healthy. About 0.01 percent of potassium takes the form of K-40, a radioactive isotope. Lord Noel (I hear you ask) is it any coincidence then that bananas are favoured by cyclists and that Lance Armstrong got cancer? Yes it is, you insensitive bastard.


Kitty litter

There's a lot of naturally occurring radioactive stuff in the ground. Anything coming out of the earth -- granite and clay for instance -- has a good chance of containing in trace amounts. Kitty litter is mostly clay, though the likely reason it gets singled out isn't the clay at all, but the cat. That's right, it's not the litter you should fear, but the remains of Admiral Snufflekins' last tuna dinner. The early '90s boasted two separate incidents of tripped radiation alarms at local dumps (heh) being traced to bags of used kitty litter. The kitties in question had ingested iodine-181 as a cancer treatment and were, uh, excreting radiation.


Ceramics

Not only is uranium useful for blowing things up and spawning city-hating giant lizards, it also makes an excellent pigment for pottery. Aficionados among you will already know that it's most famously found in the glazes of Fiesta Ware, particularly Fiesta Red. But uranium is all over the place in ceramics -- mostly, for reasons that would seem obvious, pre-World War II. Yet some companies still used it as recently as the 1970s, the lesson learned by Mothra evidently lost on the manufacturers of dinner plates, bathroom tiles and dentures. For the rest of you my advice is Flopppalop Weeeeee Doppalop!


Lantern mantles

Remember those old camping lantern mantles that were so fun to touch because they instantly disintegrated into dust? Well, hopefully you didn't inhale any of that dust. I'm just saying..... you might have been a lot better off just sleeping out in the open.


Watches

Contrary to the sci-fi cliché embedded like an alien in the thorax of our collective consciousness, radioactive substances don't glow in the dark. But combine, say, radium with a phosphor and paint it onto a watch dial and you've got a super-cool watch that glows basically forever -- unlike those lame ones that have to sit under a light for an hour to glow for ten minutes. You've also got a potent source of radiation strapped to your body, so if you have one of these antiques (radium was phased out by the 1960s) then do yourself and your future flipper-babies a favour and keep it away from your testicles. These days perma-glowing watches use tritium, whose weak beta particles can't make it past the watch glass. Same with night sights for guns, which use tiny glass vials of tritium gas to make the dots in which you line up your perp as you stalk your unwitting prey.....I imagine.


Smoke detectors
With help from his friends Randolph managed to cut back to 400 a day

Turns out you don't fight fire with fire, you fight it with radiation. The alpha particles emitted by americum are an integral part of the ionisation chamber used in many smoke detectors. These particles are too weak to penetrate glass, skin, or even more than a few inches of air, so unless you're foolish enough to disassemble a hundred smoke detectors for your homemade neutron gun, have no fear.


Mummy

Like all God's critters, your mum (and my Mum) contains a lot of Carbon, 0.0000000001 percent of which is radioactive carbon-14 (The radioactive bit). She's not going to be spiking any Geiger counters, but still -- "Yo Momma's radioactive!". It's not a slight, it's just a fact.

Read more here: 
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Cards We Didn't Buy

Whatto! Peeps!....

I've been trying my hand at creative writing.....
....starting orf with verses for greetings cards.
I haven't had a reply to the ones I've sent orf to the Card Companies yet...
...but I remain hopeful!


I heard your wife has left you,
How upset you must be.
But please don't fret about it...
Coz she's moved in with me.


Congratulations to you
on your big wedding day!
We love you Dear but can't you make
your husband go away?

 I must admit of all the things
you brought into my life.
I never believed in Hell until 
you turned into my wife.


As days go by, I think about
how fortunate I am...
that you're not here beside me
to ruin every plan.


I'm miserable without you
I pine all day my Dear
It's such an awful life I live
it's almost like you're here.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Kisses Add Up

Whatto! Peeps.....


A youth taught his young sweetheart maths,

he thought it was his mission,

he kissed her once then once again 

  and said "That's just addition!"

The girl took it upon herself 

to return this pleasant action,

she kissed him once then once again,

  and said "So that's subtraction!"

  Well she soon learned the basic skills 

without much complication,

they hugged and kissed first once, then twice,

and said "Thats multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young girl's father

had a 'lesson' in his vision,

  throwing the boy right out the door
 
said "This is long division!"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel
xxx

Yodga

Whatto! Peeps....

Yoga is soooo relaxing...
...and I love starting the day with my own personalised Yoga routine.....
By the time I've finished I feel toned up....
....relaxed and totally refreshed.
But it has been pointed out to me that a very similar effect......
....can be created....
....if you have enough Vodka!
















Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Find the Link

Whatto!
Todays teaser is musical....


What do all of these songs have in common?

1. Dancing in the Moonlight - by Toploader


2. Papa Oo Mow Mow - by The Trashmen


3. Respect - by Aretha Franklin


4. I love rock and roll - by Joan Jett


5. Tainted Love - by Soft Cell


6. Hound Dog - by Elvis


7. Blame it on the Boogie - by The Jacksons


8. The Tide is High - by Blondie


9. Girls just wann have fun - by Cyndi Lauper




The Answer is:

They are all songs that only became famous after being covered by another artist!



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Utter Madness

Whatto! Peeps....

Soft Construction With Boiled Beans (Premonition of Civil War), 1936

Young Virgin Autosodomized by Her Own Chastity


'There is 
only one difference 
between a madman 
and me. 
am not mad.'

The Madman himself
- Salvador Dali -

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Captain's Log

Whatto! Peeps.....
Ahar! Can I recommend to ye the high protein dyet?

Those of you who know of my family roots will also know that there seems to be very strong evidence for Pirate connections......
......with the original family members being foreign seafarers who arrived on the beaches of County Clare, Eire...
During my continued research on the subject I have managed to unearth an old story about one of my oldest ancestors.....
....one Captain Vellus!
Captain Vellus was apparently very successful at what he did; for years he guided Pirate ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or the 'Authorities' get the better of him. He was admired by his crew and feared by other Sea Captains. 
However, the story tells that there was one thing different about Captain Vellus...... 
Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small metal safe. Within the safe was a leather envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would reportedly stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. 
For years this went on, and eventually his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, during a fierce sea battle whilst boarding another vessel, Captain Vellus was shot in the chest by an officer using a flintlock pistol and he died at sea. 

After laying the captain's body to rest in a formal sea burial, the First Mate led the entire crew down to the Captain’s quarters...
...determined to put to rest their curiousity about Captain Vellus's strange behaviour....
....once and for all.
The First Mate found a key amongst the Captain's personal effects and with it he opened the metal safe......
......he then prised apart the leather envelope, and looked inside.........
The story tells that the First Mate then turned deathly pale as he slowly read the paper.....
.....then he turned and showed the paper to the rest of the loyal crew. 
Four words were on the paper.......
......two lines......
.....with two words each:


"Port Left"

"Starboard Right"


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

A New Position

Whatto! Peeps....


In the Pub last night I was having a drink and a chat with a few of the local chaps.....
...when one of them asked "Have you heard about the New Position called the 'Chilean Miner'?"
"No!?" we all answered in Unison.....
....(gathering closer so as to be able to hear all the juicy details)......
"Well..." he continued "I heard about it on TV and the other night I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position......
.....She asked me 'Is it the one where I go deep down the shaft and stay there until I need to come up for air?'.....
....and I told her, "No" ... it's the one where you clear off and I don't see you for four months!" ...

How we laughed......

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Dressed Up With Somewhere To Go!

Whatto! Peeps....


With 'Party Season' fast approaching I will readily admit....
I Love Parties!......and I love dressing up!
So Fancy Dress Parties are a natural choice for me......
....They provide Instant escapism....
....and complete relaxation....
...especially when you look around and see that everyone else looks just as ridiculous as you do!
....and then the fun and laughter begins!...
...a great way to start off ANY Party!
But there is another side to dressing up that also appeals to me....
....some of the outfits available for the Lady are just too good to miss!
I've been trying to persuade Lady Jacqueline to give this little number a try.....


...or even this one......


And is it really too much to ask.......
....just now and again.....
.....whilst walking around Virtual Manor..
...that she wears this fabulously gorgeous outfit?


Now THAT'S what I call a PARTY!
Point me at it Virgil!



Wallopy Wallop! & TaTa Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Happy Anniversary to us!

Whatto! Peeps....


We were at the lovely Beechwood Hotel at North Walsham today.....
....I was being treated to a wonderful six course lunch with my Lady wife for our Wedding Anniversary by my generous in-laws.


We sat in the wonderfully plush lounge bar as our table was being prepared and munched through the hors d'oeuvres with a delciously refreshing  bottle of Sauvignon blanc to wash them down with.
I always think of myself as a 'Social Drinker'.....
.....if someone says to me, "I'll have a drink." I say, "Social I!" 
As we sat in the lounge bar I heard a quiet voice say "Hey, nice tie!"......
I looked around but there was no-one there...... 
I looked to see where the various members of staff were......
....but they were all on the other side of the bar. 
"Hey! What a nice shirt!" the small voice said once more.....
I looked up quickly but again, there was still no-one about. 
"That's strange!" I thought and began looking for hidden loud speakers in the foliage of the various flower arrangments....when I suddenly heard the same tiny voice say "Hey! That's a really nice suit!" 
By this point I was quite confused.
I called the barman over and asked him "Where are those flattering voices coming from?"....
....and I realised when I'd finished my question that I sounded like someone who'd just escaped from somewhere much more secure.....
....so I added "I just thought it might be a member of staff saying nice things through a hidden speaker somewhere".....
"Oh no Lord Noel" he calmly replied.....
...."It's certainly not a member of our staff or a hidden speaker......
...in fact I think you'll find.......
.....it's the complimentary peanuts."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Lovely Melons!

Whatto! Peeps.....


For some strange reason this news item caught my attention:

Fruity farmer Rowie Meers is proudly showing off her melons after using bras to grow the fruit on her farm.

Meers, 45, asked customers at Purton House Organics to donate their unwanted underwear to support the melons after discovering they were hanging too low to flourish.

She now uses over 40 bras to hoist the fruit from the ceilings of her farm in Swindon, Wilts, and claims the bigger the bust the better!

Rowie said: "We had such a fantastic crop of melons and I was struggling to stop them swinging too low. We needed something to suspend them.....

...My eureka moment came when I thought something needed to be done - then looked down at my B cup - I realised the answer was right under my nose!....

....I thought 'let's use bras because they suspend my melons very well' so we use them for this....

...My customers have been sending in their bras to help me out. A size D cup seems to be the best for them."

Maybe we should be ordering Melons by cup size?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

The Power of Prayer

Whatto! Peeps......



I was interested to see a programme on CNN about a journalist who heard that a very old Jewish man had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
She was asked to cover the story so she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop........
.......I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.
"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Biting those Bullets

Whatto! Peeps....

More newborn baby pictures here

A very talented and totally wonderful friend of ours recently celebrated the birthday of her triplets.....
...and I was reminded of the tale of am American woman who was pregnant with triplets.
She was walking down the street in Chicago when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach!
An ambulance rushed her to hospital where she was given emergency treatment.....
....and luckily the babies were all found to be okay.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in situ because it was far too risky to operate....
....and the lady later gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking a pee and this bullet came out" replied the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out".

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Palais de Roses

Whatto! Peeps....

The view from the dining room at Palais de Roses

Occasionally a night comes along which is enriching, both physically and mentally.....
....and Saturday night was one of those nights.

Palais de Roses during daylight

Lady Jacqueline and I were invited around to the Palais de Roses by her Ladyship for a wonderously delicious one pot meal that tasted so amazing I was overjoyed to have fresh bread to soak up all the tasty juices that remained.....

Yummedy yummedy yummedy!

....then more full bodied red wine was consumed (with just a hint of vanilla I noticed!).....
....and individual chocolate and ginger desserts.....more than enough for each of us......
....and the grand finalé began after a fanfare of introduction by Royal Household Trumpeters.....
....as the concluding Act was unveiled....
...an exquisite 15 year old Guyanan rum named 'El Dorado'.

"Well hello there!....Lovely to meet you!"

I was expecting a Morgans rum flavour but this baby is in a different world.....
...nay...a different planet!
The sweet yet subtle taste of sugar cane makes this little beauty...
.....sooooooooo smoooooooth.....
....so that after each descending mouthful...
....I'm sure I heard my throat whisper to me an emotional "Thank you!".
But the piéce de résistance was the conversation.....
.....we covered so much....
...and in sooooo much detail.....
....I was reminded that I was being privée to a situation that very few men ever witness......
....it was like being a member of the cast of Sex in the City!

"And then he got hold of it......and stretched it!"....

What an honour....
....and what a great night!
Thanks to all of you Darlings! Mwah! Mwah!

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Casting New Light

Whatto! Peeps....
...Lord Noel here...

There are times in life...
...when things...

....aren't all ...
...they seem to be....

....and this...
....(being an Artistic interlude).....

...is definately....
...one...
....of those times....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel