Doppleganger

Whatto!....


The following poem was written by James A. Lindon 
and was first published in Dmitri Borgmann's 'Beyond Language' in 1967

Doppelgänger 


Entering the lonely house with my wife
I saw him for the first time
peering furtively from behind a bush –
Blackness that moved,
a shape amid the shadows,
a momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
revealed in the ragged moon.
A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
put him to flight forever –
I dared not
(for reasons that I failed to understand),
though I knew I should act at once.
I puzzled over it, hiding alone,
watching the woman as she neared the gate.
He came, and I saw him crouching
night after night.
night after night
he came, and I saw him crouching,
watching the woman as she neared the gate.
I puzzled over it, hiding alone –
Though I knew I should act at once,
for reasons that I failed to understand
I dared not
put him to flight forever.
A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
revealed in the ragged moon
a momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
a shape amid the shadows,
blackness that moved.
Peering furtively from behind a bush,
I saw him, for the first time
entering the lonely house with my wife



Tallyho!
& Happy Halloween!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Check Up Time

Whatto!


A new Doctor has arrived at our local surgery so I decided to go to see him for my annual check-up....
....Immediately I met him I knew he was going to be refreshingly different....
....I said to him "I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?" and he told me "Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap."
I then asked him "Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?"
....to which he replied "You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products."
"What about my alcohol intake" I said "Should I reduce it?"
"No, not at all." he answered "Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain..... So Bottoms up!"
As I seemed to be on a roll I enquired "How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?"
....and he said "Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc."
Quite pleased with the way things were going I pressed further "What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?"
"I can't think of a single one, sorry." he added "My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!"
"Well then...." I queried....."I've been eating alot of protein based meals but aren't fried foods supposed to be bad for you?"
....."YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...." he exclaimed "Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?"
I feel better all ready!


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

True Strength

Whatto!

Those who know others are learned;
But those who know themselves are wise.
Those who conquer others have strength of muscles;
but to conquer oneself is hard. 
So those who conquer themselves
have the greatest strength.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Watertight idea

Whatto!....

Whilst on holiday in Corfu for the last couple of weeks, we found ourselves on the beach one day....
....sat near to two older ladies who were wanting to go in for a swim but seemed afraid to leave their cigarettes behind in case they were stolen.


Then we all noticed a woman coming out of the sea in a bikini who reached into her swimsuit and pulled out her cigarettes.....
....she lit it up on her way back to her beachtowel and sat down in the sunshine to smoke it peacefully.
The women called across to her "How do you manage to keep your cigarettes so dry when you go in for a swim?"
The woman smiled and held up the wrapper she'd just taken off the packet ....
....and we could clearly see that it was a condom!
The women laughed about the idea of going to the pharmacy at their age....
....and one of them acted out the transaction with her friend "I'd like a packet of condoms please!"
Her friend replied as the Chemist "Certainly madam - and what size would you like?"
....and she said "Well ....
..... big enough to fit a camel!"

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Spikespeare

Whatto! Peeps....
....Lord Noel here....


"Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?"

"Ophelia" by John Everett Millais

-by Spike Milligan-
Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Leaving it all alone

Whatto!

One can know what is happening 
all over the world 
without going out of doors.
One can see the Tao of the big wide beyond 
here 
without looking out of ones windows, 
and see all the ways of that 
beyond-here.
Then, the further one travels 
the less one knows.
So the wise person can arrive 
without going 
and know 
without going about; 
they can understand much 
without seeing 
and achieve much 
without action. 


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

WTF?

Whatto! Peeps..
..Lord Noel here..


People tell me that they don't give one?
and certainly sometimes I couldn't give one either?
French Connection are a great example of why it's GOOD to give one....
The simple idea for the controversial logo came when they were communicating by fax with their new Hong Kong store that was opening up.   They came across a fax “From FCHK to FCUK”.


Thus the new brand strategy to use the shortened FCUK as the company logo was born.
The result of this simple act of irreverence?
Increased profits of over 300% from £6.0m to well over £20m.
New FCUK stores in over 20 countries with new ones opening yearly,
and the company’s stock price leapt from £3.00 to over £9.



FCUK has also become a brand in and of itself away from just the clothing line.
Now you can also get FCUK Him and FCUK Her Fragrances....
...Why Not FCUK U! I wonder?....
.....It could be the perfect gift for some people! 
Thus with this somple twist the Company has opened up even more profit sources that wouldn’t have been available or anywhere near as successful if the name had remained French Connection.
All living proof that it's sometimes a great idea to just say FCUK IT!.....



Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

The Haves and The Have Nots

Whatto!


To be 
content 
with what one has 
is to feel rich; 
so let the contented 
enjoy 
their 
riches.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

H£R£ H£R£ HRH

Whatto! Fellow Royalists......


I have often been told that the Royal Family is 'an expensive luxury'....
....and one which 'we can ill afford' in these cost sensitive times....
And my response is "How dare you!"
Don't you realise that Buckingham Palace made £7m from visitors alone in 2007–2008?


And the ACTUAL cost of The Royal Family to every person in the UK is a measly 69p! - which is a teeny weeny increase of just 3p on the previous year......and what the hell can you buy for 3p these days?
And the open and honest Buckingham Palace accounts show this to be true.....so it MUST be.

They also show that the total cost to the public of keeping the monarchy increased by a mere £1.5m to £41.5m in the 2008/9 financial year.....when Bankers were lending phenomenally more to peasants who could NEVER repay the debt!

Who's money is it anyway?........There's a clue in the photograph!....Doh!!

Palace accounts also show that HRH the Queen actually had to dip into a reserve fund to boost by £6m her Civil List, which pays for the running of the Royal household. This is the largest sum ever drawn from the reserve built up in the 1990s and says something about the state of Society that we haven't bailed her out of her terrible predicament.

The Queen's Civil List, which also covers Royal household staff salaries, cost £13.9m in 2007/8 - this comprised £7.9m from government coffers and £6m from the reserve.

If the Queen continues to spend money from the reserve at the rate she is now, it will be used up by the start of her Diamond Jubilee year in 2012.....and we CAN'T allow this to happen!

Peter Hunt, BBC royal correspondent said "69p is an eye-catching figure. It's the sum royal officials proudly say the monarchy costs each person in the country. However, this headline amount doesn't include the large, but never disclosed security bill for protecting the royals around the clock."

Please give generously......because that's the way we like to spend

It's clear from these accounts that by next year, the Queen will have to go cap in hand to the government seeking an increased income. One of her annual pots of money, the Civil List, has been set at £7.9m for 20 years......therefore taking absolutely NO account for inflation!

In the good times, a surplus built up. But for the past eight years, it's been raided and is dwindling. The £7.9m Civil List funds, among other things, £11m of salaries and catering.

We may have to economise buy ditching the 14th course!

In a recession, with cuts on the agenda and an election looming, the royals face difficult financial negotiations in 2010.

If the total cost of the monarchy is calculated per taxpayer and not per person, the cost works out at only £1.33 each......jolly good value I'm sure you agree!

Of the £13.9m Civil List purse, nearly £10m went on staff salaries. Housekeeping and furnishings cost £700,000 and ceremonial functions cost £400,000. A further £1.1m was spent on catering and hospitality - within this, garden parties cost £600,000, while the cost of food and the royal kitchens came to £500,000.
Computers and IT systems cost £400,000 - double the figure for 2007 due to the launch of a new British Monarchy Website and new personnel, payroll and online recruitment systems.

The £7.9m figure that is granted by the government was frozen in 2000, to compensate for 10 years of 'over-generous payments'. It will be up for re-negotiation at the end of 2010.

And I always thought John Major was a twit!

The current deal was agreed by Sir John Major in 1990.

The shortfall has led to questions about how much Buckingham Palace will be able to ask for from the government during a recession.

Last year Buckingham Palace officials described the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers as "less than the price of two pints of milk or an MP3 player download".

But Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group (Yuk! Spit!), Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to the public was unjustified.......What?.....Treason!

  
ROYAL PUBLIC FINANCES
Financial summary, year to 31 March 2009
                                               2009 (£m)     2008 (£m)
The Queen's Civil List                13.9               12.7
Parliamentary annuities                 0.4                 0.4
Grants-in-aid                             22.6               22.0
Expenditure met by gov depts      4.6                 4.9
Total                      41.5        40.0
He said: "Once again, the powers that be are continually putting their hands into the public finances. They are not being totally clear and transparent about how that money is spent. "This is a hugely expensive institution and we should be looking at massive cuts." Mr Smith said it was possible to run a head of state at a much reduced cost, offering as examples the Republic of Ireland and Germany.

And to prove that he is totally out of his mind.......He suggested the Queen should be paid a salary of £200,000 a year!......Who the DEVIL CAN LIVE ON that PALTRY FIGURE?

"Not us that's for sure!"

Mr Smith also said that dividing the £41m between each person in the UK to arrive at the 69p figure was really a means to make the cost seem less than it was.

The £41m total does not include security provided by the police and Army or the ceremonial duties performed by the Armed Forces.

The cost of Royal travel, which is also paid by the taxpayer, increased by £300,000 from £6.2m to £6.5m.


The most expensive journeys were the long-haul overseas tours of the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall

Did someone actually PAY for THIS!?

I really don't understand what all the fuss is about......
...one only has to look into her clear blue eyes to see that whatever the cost.....
....she is worth every penny!


I wonder what the public would say if the figures were released....
....for the cost of ALL the Royals.....?....
Can you name them before clicking on the link above?....
No.....didn't think so......(and don't forget the so called 'Collaterals' listed underneath)....
...some of whom you NEVER EVER seem doing anything remotely useful!

I await this years figures with baited breath.....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord  Noel

Pruning The Family Trees

Whatto! Peeps....


Our Family Crest....or so I've been led to believe...

I was doing a spot of research on the old Family Tree....
....which is difficult as many of the paper records that existed in Ireland....
....were destroyed in fires by the English when they occupied Ireland.

The other problem is that usually only details of the landed Gentry were recorded...
....as land and Titles were considered the most important assets in those days.
Even the written records that survived (mostly in the West of the Country where travellers seldom ventured) suggest large amounts of illiteracy.....with signatures in many cases being a simple 'X'.
Everything else, including wives and chattels could easily be stolen by anyone who fancied them....
....and was powerful enough to force you to relinquish them.


The customary Family crest is the one at the top and relates to those who settled in the Galway and Clare area of Western Ireland.
But in my research I also found some much older ones...
...like this one....

Well these are our new neighbours.....they seem nice!

This one's definitely focused on strength and power....
....with the iron glove rising majestically from the rugged crown....
....clearly not someone to be messed with!...
....although I'm not yet sure of the significance of the little monkey?

Celtic crosses can clearly be seen in the Christian graveyards

Being from the West of Ireland means that much of the history is heavily steeped in Gaelic tradition....
....as this was the part of Ireland which was 'conquered' last by many of the Island's Invaders.

A typical thatched country cottage - and the dry stone walls that typify this area

And there are many suggestions that the people there weren't so much 'conquered' as 'assimilated'....
....with the Invaders adopting lifestyles of the locals rather than trying to change them significantly.
Maybe this was because they saw 'value' in the lifestyles that the locals had.....
...or maybe it's just that the locals 'won them over' with that old Irish charm and hospitality?

Will ya hav anudder point now?.....Aaah gowaan!

Indeed there are even signs there of Paganism lasting long into the time traditionally associated with Christianity....
....with many tales abounding in Gaelic of Ritual Shamanism and the power of Nature.


The Family name is an anglicised form of the Gaelic O'hAllmhuráin which refers to the "descendant of Allmhurán".....the 'O'h' bit being a fiercely guarded and truly Irish addition to the name that many people died to protect when the English were bent on slaughtering the population for resisting their dominion.
The name itself is derived from the Gaelic word allmhurach (or allwuran, depending on how it's translated), which means "foreigner," or "overseas stranger," and most probably...
... "pirate." 
Yes!......
I could hardly believe it myself!

Ahar! Another family member is brought back to life....

So I was thrilled to find that yet another Family Crest existed.....
....one which was much older than the traditionally accepted one at the top of this page....
....and it is this beauty!...

An earlier version of the Family Crest

....which clearly shows the Galleon (or perhaps more precisely a 'Cog' - the vessel which dominated the seas from the 12th to the 15th Centuries) in pride of place under the six-pointed star...
....itself a hugely symbolic emblem.
And above these.... the stag and hound.....
....suggesting a reference to hunting .........the 'sport of kings'.
The name 'AllmuRain' is composed of the parts 'All' for "beyond" and 'muiR' for "sea". So the original Family members were apparently regarded as literally 'foreigners from the sea'.
And there's also a tenuous link with Spain.....
....as the word "Hallaron" is said to also mean "they found" in Spanish.
So are we talking about some link with the Spanish Armada here?..
...maybe they introduced themselves to the Irish as Hallaron because they felt that they 'found' Ireland...the plot thickens!


This name eventually became associated with two clans who ruled the counties of Clare and Galway and whose motto was "Clann Fearghaile abú". The Clare branch of the O'h-Allmhurain were of the same stock as the MacConmaras and their original territory embraced much of the district around Ogonnelloe in the Barony of Tulla and from which they spread southwards into Co. Limerick.


The two native Gaelic O'hAllmhuráin Septs were located in the western counties of Galway and Clare, where the name is still most common. The clan Feargaile (or Fergail), who used the name, held a seat near Galway City, and they had extensive territory near Lough Corrib. Then later, part of this family became affiliated with the McNamaras of Clare with a spread into the county Limerick.

The beautiful Kylermore Abbey in Connemara

The Gaelic motto for the Family is "Clann Feargaill abu", which is translated to "Victory to the head of (the clan) Feargail" or "The Clann who fears no-one".

Dramatic seascapes ....by the vertical Cliffs of Moher
So, armed with all this fascinating information....
...I present to you....
....our New and Improved Family Crest!....
...which will be appearing as Bookplates in any forthcoming literary gifts I happen to present.....

The New and Improved Family Crest!

And if you've never been to the West Coast of Ireland......
....what's stopping you?

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Flying Carpets

Whatto!....


When Lady Jacqueline and I were in Egypt we were invited into a shop that sold many different beautiful carpets.....


Another tourist was looking around close by and she walked up to one particular carpet to inspect it more closely.
As she bent down to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally broke wind.
Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously as if to see if anyone had noticed her little accident.....
Needlesstosay that Lady Jacqueline and myself hurriedly looked the other way to minimise this poor lady's embarassment....
After a few moments she seemed to regain her composure....
....raised herself up again and turned to call over the nearby salesman.
"Good day Madam. How may I help you today?" he beamed as he moved towards her
"I'd like to know the cost of this rug please" she asked
"Well" he answered....."you farted just touching it.......
......when you hear the price......
......you're gonna shit yourself."

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Clever Ruler

Whatto!


The wise man is a clever ruler; 
he values his words highly.
It is so hard 
to get a single word from him at any price 
that when his task is finished, 
a work well done, 
everyone says,
"It happened by itself", 
and 
"We did it." 


Tallyho!
Best Wishes
Lord Noel

On Being British

Whatto!...

Sir Winston Churchill...he helped Britains fight against many foreign peoples

Some people say that the British are Xenophobes....
.....distrusting anything foreign.
To which I firmly reply...
..."BULLDOG!"

Winston Churchill ....before he was knighted

I suggest that it could merely be because we are an Island race......
....and rightly suspicious of anything that arrives on our heavily polluted shores....
....which seems in any way.... 'unusual'.
I would also like to propose that actually you have nothing whatsoever to fear.....
...because your worst fears have already been realised!
Think about it....
....next time you climb into your German car......
.....to drive down to an Irish pub......

"I'm NOT drunk ya feckin eejit!"

.....for a few Mexican beers.......
....where a foreign man can sell you cheap imported cigarettes.....
....to save you having to stop to buy some at the Indian run Convenience store on the way home.....
...to your Polish built house....
.....leaving you more time to nip into a Chinese take-away or buy a Turkish shish-kebab.....
....to bring home to your lovely Thai or Russian wife.....
....so you can sit down comfortably for the evening on your Danish furniture.......
....and watch American television shows.....
.....on your large-screen Japanese plasma t.v. 

Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Prophecy

Whatto!


What is in the end to be shrunk 
must first be stretched. 
That which is to be made to dwindle 
must first be caused to expand.
Whatever is to be weakened 
must begin by being made strong.
He who is to be laid low 
must first be exalted to power.
What is to be overthrown 
must begin by being set up. 
He who would be a taker 
must begin as a giver.
And this is the fine art. of dimming one's light.
Accordingly the soft overcomes the hard; 
and the weak, the strong.


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel

LOVE For Sale

Whatto! Peeps....
....Lord Noel here....

I do LOVE certain Ladies magazines....
....but they have to be the right ones......


....the ones that ooze seduction....
...character and glamour...


....where the women in them....
....appear strong and independent....


....where age is no barrier to sexiness....
....and life experience is valued....


....where there's room for creative individuals....
...who may not always fit within society's 'norms'....


.....where they're willing to take a risk....
....to be daring....


....and shockingly controversial...
...in the most beautiful way....


....yes, there's no getting away from it....
....true beauty is far more than skin deep....


Tallyho!
Best Wishes - Lord Noel