Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter

 Whatto! Peeps..... 
 It is with great pride and pleasure that I take this opportunity in revealing to the World something I have just finished building..
... 'Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter'...
.....and the tests so far have shown it to be a great success!
My design was based on several ideas I saw being utilised on the Internet....
....and borne out of the need for empty glass containers.....
.....for Lady Jacqueline to make her candles in.

Here you can see the Glass cutter, The 'V' and the adjustable setting for various lengths
As you may already know, my good Lady wife and I like to drink the 'odd' glass of wine from time to time...
....and although I'm happy to take these used bottles to the local bottle bank (having first removed as many as I need to house my own delicious home made wine)....

With the Bottle in place you are ready to begin
....the idea of re-using discarded bottles and giving them a new lease of life excites the burgeoning 'Eco Warrior' within me.
So let me describe the simple process involved in using this wonderful piece of kit.
 As you can probably see from the picture above the bottle rests neatly inside the 'V' shape I've created from plywood...

Softly pressing the smooth glass against the protruding cutter cuts the finest of grooves

....all that needs to be done is to revolve the bottle so that the glass cutter (which is screwed to the front, movable 'V' section) cuts a continuous line into the bottle around it's entire circumference....
(My design also allows this line to be cut at any point along the entire length of the bottle facilitating the production of various sized glass container, hoops and even a 'true bottle neck' for use with the guitar!)


Then, by carefully revolving the bottle in the hand whilst alternately applying to the entire length of the groove some hot water (from a kettle) and then cold water (from a tap)....
....you will then find that all of a sudden (as if by magic) the glass bottle will crack beautifully along the scored line for you...
...needing, at most, a few rubs with some wet and dry emery paper to take any rough edges away...
I've found that the secret is in making the groove deep enough to start the crack off properly.
The one below is shown directly after breaking away and is so clean a break that it could easily be safely used straight away as a vase or candle holder.

Cut entirely by the Magic of WATER!

Et Voila!... you have recycled your empty bottle into a item with numerous uses!
Even the bottle neck can be used!....I've seen them turned into 'handbells', and also hanging from wires as 'windchimes' and turned upside down and used with a bottle base attached as a 'goblet' or in a frame with several others as 'candle holders'!...
This really is something where you're only limited by your own imagination!
Have fun!.....AND help the Environment!

Ii have thoughtfully added some felt pads to the underside to avoid scratching the Chippendale

Thanks to 'Lord Noel's Celebrated Glass Bottle Cutter'
(Available for hire to those with shockingly good pedigrees)

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Advice For The British Government

Whatto! Peeps....

In the interests of getting this Country out of the massive financial mess that it is in.....
....and BEFORE Mr David Cameron makes any more ridiculously expensive and totally crazy threats about "invading Libya" on my behalf....
...I would like to offer my wholehearted support for his efforts in frugality and downsizing in trying to meet our massive debts......
....but the savings should be made across the board...
...starting at the TOP.
Is The Government really serious about saving money?

After all.....we are now in the 'Internet Age'......
...so let's start by REDUCING the House of Commons to 30 MPs and let British Citizens decide what needs to be done!
Using the Internet we can 'log on' to the Government Website (using our own unique National Insuarnce number) and vote in favour or against all the policies that are presently decided by overpaid and underworked Members of Parliament.
Log on people........and VOTE!

Let the Public decide!
As long as 40% of the People vote then the result is viable....
....and if 50% of those who voted are in favour - then it goes ahead!
The REAL 'X Factor'!

Think of the amazing amount of money we will save!
.....and the amount of extra power we will have!
True 'Democracy' can finally be ours!........
What a great sound- bite!

....and it's closer than it's ever been......
Maybe I should start a campaign on FACEBOOK?..
That seems to be the way to get things done these days.....
.....if i can just get Mr Cameron to add me as a Friend....

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

If You Go Down To The Woods Today.......

Whatto! Peeps....

Isn't nature lovely?...
...and with temperatures becoming milder once more, one is tempted to consider spending extra time in that special place which I like to call 'outdoors'....
I am particularly fond of Woods!
The magic of the sprawling branches and gnarled trunks, covered in Ivy, reaching skywards to the dappled canopy above.....
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" said Tony, from the uppermost branches..........................as he fell

.....the soft crunch of twigs amongst fungi and leaves underfoot.....
...it's no wonder so many legends exist around it's mystical atmosphere.
From Robin Hood, the infamous bandit who made the woods his home and refuge.....
"Careful men.....someone approaches!.........and they're NOT wearing tights!"

....to all the wonderful adventures that took place in Winnie The Pooh's '100 Aker Wood'?....
Christopher could no longer deny it.........his house had definitely blown away!

....from the magical meeting place for the Teddy Bear's Picnic.....
"Not Bally Marmite!...... again!?"

.....to the haunting story of Little Red Riding Hood, and the predatory wolf.....
For a change, she thought she'd bring Grandma...........a Magic Mushroom.

....to Hansel and Gretel, who fell into the hands of a woodland cannibal!.....
Hansel had a growing feeling that this was somewhere that didn't have planning permission!

....and who can forget.....
.... The Giant Wood Pecker!?
Gloria loved getting to grips with nature....

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Honey.... I Shrunk the Facts!

Whatto! Peeps.....
  • A Honey Bee can fly as far as 5 miles from the hive to search for food. 
  • An entire Honey Bee colony will fly a total of around 55,000 miles to make just one pound of honey. 

Bazzzil loves it when he's buzzzzzzzzzzzzy!
  • A hive can produce as much as 60 pounds of honey in a good season with about 25 pounds more than they need to survive the winter. 
  • Honey Bees make honey by taking nectar from flowers and mixing it with enzymes from glands in their mouths.  This is then stored in hexagonal wax honeycombs until the water content has been reduced to around 17%.  Once this happens worker bees cap the combs with a wax seal until the bees need it for food, for instance in the winter time. 
"Right so we all agree.....we'll meet up at the Old Rhodedendron for a spot of Nectar!"
  • Beekeeping has been going on for about 13,000 years, with the Egyptians particularly having developed very sophisticated means for keeping hives and harvesting honey. 
  • Capped honey can be kept without spoiling for many thousands of years; the current oldest known honey that is still good being found in the tombs of Pharaohs, put there over 3000 years ago and still tasty. 
Honey is delicious in drinks instead of sugar and gives a distictive flavour all it's own

  • It would only take about one ounce of honey to fuel a honey bee for a flight around the world!  (Car manufacturers please take note!). 
  • Two million flowers must be tapped to make just one pound of honey. 
Engineers say Bees are built in such a way that technically....they shouldn't be able to fly

  • Smoke triggers bees to stop whatever they are doing and consume as much honey as they can as there may be a need to abandon the hive if there is a fire, but this action also induces stress and potentially ill health in the bees, so many Beekeepers now prefer to spray the hive with a light misting of water to simulate drizzle which has the same effect as making the bees return to the hive. 
Mmmmmmmmm................Come here Honey............I think I Love You!

  • Ounce for ounce, honey is one of the healthiest things you can eat and contains many beneficiary medicinal values.  It’s also antibacterial and works extremely well at getting rid of pink eye and helping to heal burns as well as soothing the pain of deep burns.  It has also been shown to help allergies if you eat honey made from the area you live in, because of elements of the local pollen contained within the Honey itself. 
  • During it's entire lifetime, after working 16 hours a day, a worker bee will have made about a twelfth of a teaspoon of honey.
Liquid Gold!....

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Whatto! Peeps......
Look at my drill..........you know you want to.............

Some people say "Men are useless!"......
....and some people say "Lord Noel is totally useless!"
....but, in doing so, they are severely underestimating a Man's ability......
.....to get things done.
There have been times in my life when I have avoided DIY like the plague...
...and so far, I've haven't contracted the Plague - so my system WORKS!....
But I recently decided to face up to the many DIY challenges which have been stacking up before me....
.....DIY challenges created by friends and family......
.....and in facing and overcoming these challenges, I have gained some valuable insights into a hitherto unknown part of my wondrous personality!
And who knows?......
I MAY soon become known....
......as Lord Fixer!
Here are just SOME of the jobs I've tackled!...

Job 1 - 'Larger TV Cabinet modification'
Job 2 - 'Constructing a waterproof Satellite system'
Job 3 - 'Creating a cheap shelf support system'
And now you can forget about needing to use a Mechanic!.....
....my new-found skills have allowed me to carry out the following complex modifications to mechanically propelled vehicles......
.....probably known to you 'Non-mechanics' as 'CARS'......

Job 4 - 'Quick and simple broken seat belt remedy'

Job - 5 ' In-car stereo upgrade'

Job 6 - 'Foolproof exhaust support system'

Job 7 - 'Eye level Sat Nav system'

Job 8 - 'Wiper system - with manual over-ride'

Job 9 - 'Right hand drive conversion kit'
As my confidence grew......
.....I turned my DIY skills to 'lifestyles enhancements'.....

Job 10 - 'The portable hotplate'

Job 11 - 'The multifunctional cooler cabinet'

Job 12 - 'The Baby Feeder'

Job 13 - One I'm particularly proud of.... 'The Foon'

Job 14 - 'Plug securing mechanism'

Job 15 - 'The Porta-Potty'
 And finally my 'Piece d'resistance'.....

Job 16 - 'The Electricity Generator'
.....what's next?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

The Spoils of War

Whatto! Peeps....

As an Ex SAS member I am obviously kept on a reserve list and can be called on the carry out duties for the British Government at very short notice. 
This can be a great concern to my good Lady wife as she doesn't know exactly where the operation is taking place and won't receive any more details until I return. 
I was recently assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert as their Captain. During my first inspection of the outfit, I noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
I went to my Sergeant and asked him "Why is that camel kept there?". 
The nervous Sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on this post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges..... That's why we have Molly The Camel."
I was slightly taken aback but immediately tried to put myself into the men's shoes and realised that I would have to take a more diplomatic approach to the problem.
"I can't say that I condone this" I responded, "but I certainly understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, I began having urges of my own...... 
On night, crazy with passion, I finally asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to my tent.
I then put a ladder behind the camel, climbed up the ladder......
....and I'm ashamed to say, pulled my pants down and had wild, insane sex with Molly the camel.
It wasn't obviously something I would normally chose to do....
....but the stress of war and the unbearable heat were certainly contributing factors.....
....and in some strange way I felt, through my actions, that I may now have bonded with the rest of the Unit.
Anyway, when I was done, I asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir" he replied.....
"They usually just ride the camel into town to where the girls are."

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Ten Things A Real Woman Would NEVER Say

Whatto! Peeps....

1. Can't we make our relationship more Physical? I'm tired of just being
2. Please leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
3. I LOVE hairy butts they're really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
5. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just so cute.
6. This diamond is much too big.
7. My lips aren't going NEAR that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. You look like you could do with another beer
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. Guess what?..I'm wrong! So you must be right again.

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Ten Things A Real Man Would NEVER Say

Whatto! peeps.....

 1. I think Barry Manilow is really cool.
2. While you're up, can you get me a Babycham?
3. Women's Hairy butts.... mmmmm they're sexy.
4. Her boobs are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on Murder She Wrote.... gives me wood.
7. I love wearing condoms.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your bag.
9. Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Eastenders.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and I'll ask for directions.

Best Wishes - Lord Noel


Whatto Peeps!....
I went to hospital to see my very ill friend who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.....
When I arrived his wife brought me to his bedside and he told me that she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 
He slipped into sleep once more and when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. 
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got run over, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. 
Now that I think about it........
......you bring me bad luck!"

Best Wishes - Lord Noel

Obituary from the Times Newspaper

 Whatto! Peeps.......
"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for so many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape, but he will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- When to stop digging;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- That Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe I'm to blame.

Common Sense
lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense
lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense
lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense
took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue YOU for assault.

Common Sense
finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense
was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him please spare a few moments reminiscing in memory of him now.....
...or join the majority and do nothing."

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Criminality At The Zoo

Whatto! Peeps......
You are what you eat.....and I LOVE nuts!...

Four boys were recently brought before The Magistrates in town.

They were causing a lot of commotion at the zoo.

"Boys," said one of the Magistrates sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

So I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

Then the fourth boy stood up and said "My name is Peanuts!"

Best Wishes - Lord Noel 

Who's Spending Your Money?

Whatto! Peeps...
Do you remember ID Cards?
The idea was bulldozed into existence by the wasteful Labour Government, who couldn't seem to see the massive financial mess they were creating.....
Now it's just one of a long line of expensive ideas that have fallen under the axe of spending cuts, along with other cost saving programmes (currently referred to as 'decommissioning') such as Care centres for Alzheimer's sufferers, RAF trainee pilots, council admin workers etc etc. 
But giving ID cards the boot is going to cost YOU money.....
...because more than £2.25m of YOUR taxes is going to be paid out in compensation . 
And everyone involved in this ridiculous scheme will be compensated, except those idiots - like David Blunkett - who spent £30 each buying an ID card and has even threatened to sue the Government for compensation to get HIS money back......
......which was OUR money because he would have claimed back the cost through MP expenses anyway!

Costs ramp up

The £2.25m bill comes down to the costs of having to cancel contracts. More than £2 million will end up in the hands of information systems firm Thales. £183,000 passes to technology firm 3M while Cable & Wireless will be better off by £68,000.

Perhaps we should send this £2.2m bill back to Mr David Blunkett, the MP for Sheffield Brightside and Hillsborough to settle? After all it was Blunkett who originally raised the concept of compulsory ID cards, a program that could have costed the country £9bn had the ConDems not decided to ditch them......but Oh No!....I forgot............

They're allowed to squander millions of pounds of taxpayers money......
....because they are MPs!

Best Wishes - Lord Noel