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Whatto! Optimists......


I like to consider myself something of an optimist.......
....but there are times when all the signs are pointing in the wrong direction....
...and then you just KNOW........
...... it's going to be a Bad Day.

Like when you wake up.......
...... and find that you're face down on the pavement



Or when you call The Samaritans......
...... and they put you on hold



Or you arrive at your office at work.......
.......and your Boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat......
....and then a "60 minutes" news team arrives to speak to you

Or when it's your Birthday.....
....and your twin sister forgets......
....and then your birthday cake collapses......
...... under the weight of all those candles



Or when you turn on the news........
........ and they're showing the City where you live......
......and all the emergency routes out of there



Or you wake up and discover your waterbed has broken.......
..... and then you remember that you don't actually have a waterbed



Or when the horn on your car goes off accidentally.........
........and remains stuck on as you drive down the road......
.......following a group of hells angels



Or when your wife wakes up feeling amourous.......
..... and YOU have a headache
Or when you look outside to see the birds singing outside your window......
.... and you realise they're all vultures



Or....
.....and I've definately left the WORST 'til last!......
....when you go out on a blind date........
....and it turns out to be......
.....your ex-wife.


Ooooh! Nasty!

Tallyho!
Have you ever had a day that could by any stretch of the imagination?
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Having a wine

Whatto! Winos.....


This weekend one of our local hotels ran a 'wine and cheesy' night......
....which I attended with my lovely Lady wife.
There were a number of wonderful cheeses available for tasting....


....and several wines on offer for the night.
To set the scene they were also playing as much cheesy music as possible.
So everything was in place for a lovely night.
We were aware that the invitations also encouraged attendees to adopt fancy dress wherever possible....
....and although some people seemed to think that putting on sunglasses or a hat constituted 'Fancy Dress'.....
...there were others who entered into the true spirit of the event.
As I looked around the excited guests I noticed that there was a Thunderbird.....


....and Batman and Robin too!


But it was the DJ dressed as a Nun who I finally had to talk to.....


.....I introduced myself, saying "Whatto! Sister DJ.......I'm Lord Noel....
....I wonder if I could ask you something that I've always wanted to ask a Nun?"
"Of course! Fire away!"  he replied.....
" I just wondered" I continued......
...."If you believe in cheeses?"

Tallyho!
What have you asked of a Nun recently?
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

First Class Flying

Whatto! Travellers......

I recently returned from a short flight back from Brussels.....
.....where I was asked to attend a boring 'summit meeting'.....
....discussing matters of Policy which will soon affect everyone in the EEC.....
....and on the flight home I was lucky enough to be sitting next to a rather lovely French lady.....
.... in the first-class section of an airplane.

I do love this type of travel.....
....so comfortable to sleep on......
...one can get ones head down without any problems whatsoever.....

....and it's remarkably cheap....
....especially when the Government is paying for it! Har har!
Suddenly the French woman beside me sneezed........
.....I wished her my best "Bless you!" and offered her a tissue, which she took and gently wiped her nose, then I watched as she visibly shuddered for about ten to fifteen seconds.
I went back to reading my magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again.....
....I again said "Bless you!" and offered her another tissue, which she again wiped her nose with, then she shuddered violently once more.
I assumed that the woman had a cold.....
....and the shuddering probably meant she also had a bally fever too!
I went back to my reading.
A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again.....
....but this time I just smiled, secretly wondering to myself whether to wear my 'Bird flu facemask' which was sitting in my hand luggage - stowed away nearby.
The woman this time took out a tissue of her own.....
....wiped her nose, and again her body began shaking......
....only this time even more violently than before.
At this point, I really couldn't contain myself and I said "I couldn't help but notice that you've just sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
She smiled at me a little sheepishly then murmered to me in her soft French accent "I'm sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition"
"Oh great!" I thought....trust me to get put next to a 'Potential Purveyor of a Pandemic'!
She continued with her explanation whilst I held my breath deeply to avoid intaking any nearby virii.......
"You see" she said...."whenever I sneeze...... I.....I.... have....well.....I have an orgasm."
My eyes must have registered their surprise at this point......
....as I sat up - looking extremely interested all of a sudden.....
.....and she looked a little embarrassed.
So I tried to make light of it all by saying "Well I must say I've never heard of that condition, are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," she replied.........
...."Pepper."

Tallyho!

Do you have an unusual medical condition?

Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Happy Fanksgivin' Y'all

Whatto! American cousins....


I was reminded that all the lovely peoples of the US of A will this week......
.....be celebrating with their families at home.....
....whilst slaughtering turkeys in vast quantities......
.....as they enjoy their 'Thanksgiving Holiday'.
No doubt there will be plenty of partying taking place.....
.....and people will be singing along with their favourite tunes.
Here's a selection of songs that I'd like to suggest to y'all....
....to get the Party going.......


'Break A Brick For Jesus'



'If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure'.



'I Hope You Ain't looking At My Cock!'





'I'll Marry You Tomorrow - But Let's Honeymoon Tonight'.




 


'Ok I Lost My Man.....But I Got To Keep His Gum'




 

'I'd Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You'.



 

'This Year My Momma's Making Us Some Nice Clothes'






'She May Have Got The Gold Mine - But I've Still Got The Shaft'.
 


 

'How Can I Miss You Honey - When You Just Won't Go Away?'
 



'You Can Stay Out All Night - The Children Will Be Safe With Us'






'I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.'
 

'Heaven's Just A Sin Away.'





'At The Gas Station Of Love, I Got The Self-Service Pump.'
 

'If I'd Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Here By Now!'
 






'Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind.'


Tallyho!


Do you have a favourite thanks giving song?


Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline

Oh.....and we mustn't forget the brilliant......
'People Think I'm Gay....But I'm Sitting On The Fence
'

Lord Noel on The Meaning of Drows

Whatto! Readers......

I have mentioned the magical world of Anagrams here before.......
This mystical Kingdom 'enables' words.....
....so that they reveal their inherent, hidden meanings....
....which were there all along.....

Thus magically:
DORMITORY becomes: DIRTY ROOM

BEST IN PRAYER becomes: PRESBYTERIAN

MOON STARER becomes: ASTRONOMER

DESPERATION becomes: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES becomes: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE becomes: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES becomes: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY becomes: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS becomes: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS becomes: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT becomes: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THAT QUEER SHAKE becomes: THE EARTHQUAKES

ELEVEN PLUS TWO becomes: TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND Finally:
MOTHER-IN-LAW becomes: WOMAN HITLER!

(Not mine of course!)
 
Tallyho!
Does your Mother-in-law sport a small square moustache and tend to hold one of her arms upwards at an angle with her hand outstretched?
Best wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Understanding Art

Whatto! Art lovers.....

Yesterday I went along to a local gallery........
....as I'd heard there was a new exhibition on display.
On my arrival I noticed that the Artist Ted Meyer was in attendance.
I made my way slowly through the exhibition......
.....looking closely at each of the paintings. 


One was a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. 

The next painting was a murky gray color that had drips of brown paint streaked across it. 
At the end of the gallery I walked over to the artist and said, “Whatto! I'm Lord Noel and I'm afraid I really don’t understand your paintings at all.”

Ted Meyer smiled and replied “Well Lord Noel....I simply paint what I feel.... deep inside me,”


“I see" I retorted unconvincingly.....

......"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

Tallyho!
What artist have you recently met and discussed art with?
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse

Making an offer.... she can't refuse

Whatto! Fiancés.....

I have been cheered to see marriage proposals taking place in very unusual places.....
....such as: airplanes, underwater....

...atop glacial peaks, on the screen in real movie theaters......

.....on tall buildings, flashing in lights, with the grooms-to-be dressed in everything from Jedi knight outfits (complete with light sabre) to gorilla suits....

....and with pieces of stolen office paper clipped to some string..
And now I can add a police uniform and a parade to that list.
In Oakmont, Pennsylvania, a 30-year-old woman described what her police officer boyfriend did for her.....
Alice Marcus said her new fiance, Trevor Okonak, was riding the lead motorcycle in the "Light Up" night parade last weekend, when he suddenly stopped, dismounted and got down on one knee, according to local news reports.
At that moment, friends of the Oakmont couple displayed a banner urging Alice to accept the 28-year-old police officer's proposal.

So....No pressure then.
Surprisingly..... Alice found herself accepting his proposal.....
....much to the relief of the awaiting crowd....
....and the parade.
After Alice accepted the proposal and kissed her new fiance, Trevor mounted his motorcycle and the parade continued.
The marriage proposal came days after the couple purchased a home together......
Okonak told reporters exactly what he told his girlfriend when he first stopped the parade and proposed marriage.
"I told her I'd stop the world for you," he said, "but right now you have to settle for a parade."

What a cheapskate!
If he's prepared to cut corners like this....
....it doesn't bode well for their Future together...

I wonder where will this all end?.....
What about the Afghan Policeman.....
.....who told his fiancé "I'd bring down a plane for you Darling!"

Tallyho!
Have you ever been proposed to by a Policeman at the front of a big parade?....No I didn't think so.
Best Wishes - Lord Noel & Lady Jacqueline
Dress With Finesse